Confessions/Devotion

my first mistake was not baring my heart with a sense of calm glory. cowardly I hid my love, my affection, and forgot my once brave and spiritual self.
my second mistake was forgetting my ill habits. forgetting myself in the process of trying to not care, not love, not be concerned, not be unhappy, not be disagreeable, and in the process...forgetting to relax and be me, as a free child, not as a restricted silly teen.
my worst mistake was leaving my source of power. my calm, peace, divine. of starving myself spiritually for days, weeks... and letting myself slowly become lost and cracking and broken...
my fourth mistake was to not listen and watch closely, with eyes and arms and heart wide open to recieve whatever came my way. to recieve an understanding of another being.


but I know who I am. what a cruel thing to expect others to know it, or to try and show me it. I do love me. and will continue this love affair with myself. I will ask only of the sky, the trees, the wind, the ocean, the stars.... they are my dancing romances, they are my listening ears, they are my arms and limbs my cold and hot, my embraces, and my tears.
and God can know me, let Krishna hold me in his arms, let me dance with the gopis, completely immersed in my devotion.


all night long, through my sorrow, the Durje spear of light came through my shadowed, weary, torn mind. into my heart the music flowed, a symphony drowning the aching human thoughts hammering my skull, the blue lotus feet above me and my arms wound around the neck of my Beloved. everything was lotus, was pure love, no emotion no thoughts beyond this ever-expanding, all-consuming love. washing over me was the blue light, the orange silk caressing my skin, the Paramahansaji pouring wave after wave of love into my starving, thirsty heart. all that I need. all that I love. all that is to exist and to not exist in this world...
whatever else there is can be revisited, as a dream. but this is the most alive, the most free, the most real I ever feel.
in the lap of the Divine Mother. in the arms of Krishna, in the beautiful laughter of my Guru.....