I think, 'right now, if someone was here... they would annoy the hell out of me.' and realize I have come across a different sense of myself, a new experience; the joy of not having to deal with anyone elses 'stuff', not having to tend to or be sensitive to their energy, and not having to make idle talk or chatter.
I can sit here, feel exhausted, and not even ache for someone to hold me or make it all better.
because they can't make it better.
tired is tired... and I realize now...
I don't care if anyone takes care of me! I would like a job, so I can pay my own bills; so I can call my apartment my own; so I can buy my own food and cook whatever, whenever, I want. I want to wear what I feel like wearing, or not wearing; I want to be silent when I want to be silent; I want to be insensitive when I'm tired...
the presence of another person with their problems and emotions... if I had to be around that when I am exhausted and low on energy? geez... I don't want it!
however, I love taking care of others and being in allignment with the Divine Mother. and I know that, soon, I will have to connect deeply to that source of energy soon. After watching the Luminaries behind-the-scenes clip where they are talking about where they find their peace I think... 'I have a long way to go. I need to stop complaining about being in Vienna and disconnected. I need to make peace, NOW, with myself.'
http://www.youtube.com/wat
and so right now, in this very instant after seeing that, I have been transformed. my perspective has changed. JUST THIS LAST FEW MINUTES HAVE DONE IT.
woah...
I already feel better.
I gotta realize.... that when I'm 'alone' or 'with others'... I'm constantly part of this creation and I must find peace within myself wherever I am.
I have to forgive and let go of past hate and regret and anger and pain.
I have to have peace now.
so....
I forgive my past lovers who have involved me in a painful process, and thank them for the lessons that I have gained through sharing an experience with them.
I forgive the friends I have let go of, since if we were supposed to have kept contact, we would have. and if we are meant to reconnect, we will. Maktub.
I let go of mistakes about not choosing the right time or place to do things, of procrastinating, of the situations I have put MYSELF in. (example, if I had only known to get a cheaper apartment, to connect to the internet sooner, to file these papers... to study german before.... to get a degree... to practice this more often) when, really... it was all part of the learning process, and I could have never known that living alone was so much work unless I went through this process.
I am grateful for the hard lessons I have had to learn. I feel much more aware and awake now.
I am grateful for the heartbreak I have endured. I treat my love and my heart as a much more sacred thing, and select carefully who I let into my temple.
I am grateful for this time I have spent seperated and out-of-my-element; I would have never had to reach so deep to find a calm within the storm, or a strength beyond what is needed in an easy life.
I am grateful for the friends and family who have never left my mind or heart along my journey. I no longer ache for them to be here; I have never felt far since they are never far from my mind.
I am grateful for my opportunities to learn new skills, to try new things, to get my hands dirty, and to simply TRY and find out what I am capable of.
I am grateful for the kindness of strangers, that I feel ever in debt to, and always in gratitude for giving me a helping hand when I was down on the ground.
I am grateful for being kicked out, because I may have never found my own way with a crutch like I had (a crutch of pain, but a pain I was attached to and dependent upon).
I let it go. What happened in the past, happened in the past. The present is now, and I am going to give my best. I will be patient, and live one day at a time. I will do things I love, and I will remember to make peace with myself and others. This place needs peace, too.
Love you. I mean it! I love you! why? because I love myself.
'PEACE WORLDWIDE STARTS FROM INSIDE'!
'be the change which you wish to see in the world'
=)
