INSOMNIA and ART

Not sleeping. and liking it.
Feeling tired is almost interesting.
Actual exhaustion with a reason... but I don't feel the need to quit.
I can keep myself energized, somehow. I don't desire food, really... and now sleep. I don't desire sleep as much, either.
People? I'm getting better about that desire. I only want the jewels, not the stones.

It's 2AM. I COULD sleep, if I chose to. The whole day I have been busy, and working. I had a magical moment of opening a door to the outside backyard of the people I babysit for... no one was around but the wind rushing through the garden leaves and fronds. I heard it and felt it and instantly was connected, involved. That is what I desire. and it is a desire that will lead me to some sort of satisfaction I have not had in a long while.

I grabbed the paints. I painted the wardrobe. It's far from finished, but each time I feel an urge, I'll paint unconsciously. judgeless of my design.
the colors warm the room, claim it as my creation. the words scrawled upon it are poetry from my heart and mind.

it is always good this way.

it reminds me of Annie, somehow.

I fell down some stairs today, while carrying a child. I landed
on my side and back, but the child was unharmed, only scared and worried. I'm glad I can keep a hold on a kid, and protect her, and even keep my calm when in pain. Breahte in, breathe out... let the pain release itself....
not a peep from me.
although, I've endured much stronger pain. Firewalks and suspension-pulls took care of that.
Pain is in the body, and I can handle my body.

But I wish to feel alive. I want to have this electricity course through my body and blood again. I am not fully awake, nor alive, now.I want to dive into the worlds I knew so well...
I am myself, and I don't regret it.


Question of the night: "What AREN'T you?"





.all life is a mirror/rorrim a si efil lla.

In my Heart I Wanted More -Poem

the shadows walk across the ground
their heads high, the mind's down
I spoke to them in words they understood,
displays of light, dim and unoffensive.
but in my heart, I wanted something more.

the daylight dance of brilliance
as celebration of the safety of sun
but I knew the night was sparkling in my heart
the moon a shining beacon to my crown.
I danced in sunlight,
but in my heart I wanted something more.

and eyes and lips and flesh are numb
as is the wine of men, to make men dumb
but as I drink, I satisfy no thirst.
In my heart, I wanted something more.

I held me steady upon the open ground
the stone streets cold, imprisoning what was found
I manifested memories of worth
My blood was calling to the distant earth
In my heart, I wanted something more.

Even as I dream, I wait in shadows
Electric pulse a sonar to my kind
Behind the veil I search the many faces
For echoes of forgotten ancient signs
As my heart called out for something more,
For centuries, I wait for more.


-Copyright Bryn E. C.

CARRIED (Interpretation of Mary Stevenson's 'Footprints in the Sand')

Well, I have fallen. and more than once. And I remember this story that was told a funeral I attended. The mother of the deceased son (my uncle, I had never met due to a family feud that was dispersed with the reunion during the funeral) had a little gold necklace with footprints on it. Her son sent it to her from jail before he was killed there. I don't remember the story exactly, so I have rewritten it in words I understand.



'After the death of a young man, he joined God and the angels in Heaven. The man was given time to look at his life. At times, it was shown to him as a path he walked, carrying him into love, into sorrow, into peace or chaos, all experiences which lead eventually to the sky above, to God and Heaven.

'The man looked carefully at the steps he had taken along his journey, and suddenly became angry and confused.

"Here" he pointed to the beginning of his life, where there were many footprints shown upon the path of his life, "there are many footprints here."
"Your Mother, your Father, Jesus and all the ones who loved you, and you and God." answered an angel, explaining whose footprints they belonged to.

"Yes, exactly!" exclaimed the man, " all of those people walked with me here. But here!" He pointed to a place along his path where there were a solitary pair of footprints along the journey. It was a very difficult part of his life, and had extended for a long time. "Here, there is only one pair of footprints! Where were you then?"

The angel looked him in the eye, calmly and could sense the mans feeling of abandonment. "This is a time in your life you let no one help you, and pushed everyone out of your life."

The man felt betrayed; he had thought God would always be there for him. "So, I walked alone?"



Then the voice of God answered, "No. Then, I carried you."




Thankyou for the prayers that carry me.

"Drown Drown Down" -Life, in Trilingual Chapters

Heute warst ein scheuzlich Tag.

DOMKAPITAL EINS

Die nur gut event warst ein musik lesson mit Chanda, und die Egyptishe mann wie hast mir sagst, 'well, how are you?' Er hast mir erinnert wann ich habe die letzte zeit sagen 'Salamalaikoum'. Ich denke Ärabisches leute sind sehr freündlich.
Ich habe in die naschmarkt gegangen letzte wochenende und laufen mit kein richtung, und ich hab hunge gehabt, und ein mann -heisst Sami, von Algiers- hast mir ein frei sandwich gegeben. Wann ich habe die chummus geschmecken, ich habe mein leben in Kalifornien erinnert, und hab geschrieen gemöchten. Seinen gefülligkeit hast mir viel Glücklich gegaben, und wann ihm hast zu mir gesagen, 'Ich müss arbeit. Wann ein kunden kommst, hilfe ihm. ok?' ich hab geblinkt und dann gesagt, 'mhhh ok...?'
aber, wann kunden hast gekommen, ich hab aufstehen und Sie hilfen. Unheimlich, es war die beste zeit im meinen Tag. Ich war sehr Glücklich, ich hab mit leute gesprochen, und die anderen arbeiteren im die markt war freundlich zu mir.
Neu ahnung, viele ärabisch leute sind freundlich, besonders du hast beziehung für seinen religionen. Sag, 'Salamalaikoum' und mit Gefühlsbewegung. Es meinst, 'Frieden auf dir, und unter Gott'.

Aber, ich kann night gib neimand kultur oder Rasse ein Generalisierung...

CHAPTER II of Today. American English.
I find myself giving less and less of a damn...

about a nice living place

about things, and objects

about what people think of me

i look at my nice neighborhood, my relatively nice apartment, and i don't think, 'i'm so lucky to live in such a nice place.' i think, 'i have to work so damn hard for this stupid room, that i can't even afford to heat in winter.'

I think, 'this place keeps me in one place. it is where my mone goes, and what stresses me, and what keeps me from travelling to go see those who give me the happiness that helps me stay alive.'

Marlon
at first, I didn't know what to make of what you were saying

growing to not give a damn about having lots of money, a nice place to live, personal possessions, and other peoples opinions of you

that seems to me like personal growth

Bryn
im frustrated

and depressed

and lonely AND alone

Marlon
you're starting to see what life really is

you're never alone

Bryn
life feels like shit

Marlon
no matter where you are, I'm always with you

Bryn
i want to be five or seven again
i want to have magic in my life, and my mother and father and friends to keep my from breaking down

Marlon
personally I thought you had that while you were out here

Bryn
i did. i dont want to be bundled up n the cold here....

Marlon
come home already

Bryn
i want to be barely clothed in silks and cottons, barefoot and dancing in the water and sand

Marlon
haha, that's more like you
dancing to music where there is no end
an intimate game of call and response, usually with Andre

Bryn
i want to be sweet with people.... but it seems like most of the people i meet are men, and most of the men i meet -young or old- force me to put on a tiger-face and roar at them, saying 'stop pursuing me sexually!! dont you understand?? there is a better way! what you see in me is the divine spark i hold, it does not mean I am the one for you!!'
i cant save them, and I cant be a lamb and let them play the tiger and eat me

Marlon
see that's the problem I find with most people today
the masses find themselves too familiar with pop culture norms
to which the pursuit of physical intimacy is the basis of a relationship
not the pursuit of a spiritual and intellectual intimacy
yes, physical attraction may be the first thing to spark our interest, but it should not be our only interest

Bryn
i feel so decieved by men, and i am beginning to get such a disgust for the 'sexual man' that I don't want anything to do with them.
why can't i find people like you, or andre? why cant anyone just cuddle?
even a simple kiss is better than wham-bam-straight to sex...
i simply will not do this anymore
i cannot

Marlon
as I have told many, simply because you may have bad experiences, do not disregard what may await for you in the future

Bryn
yea well... easier said than accepted, when i keep running into the same problem.

Marlon
I'm just saying to keep an open mind, leave your life open to mistakes, only so you can learn from them

Bryn
even when i travelled in germany.... i KNOW why I ended up with some one-night-stands. i was so absolutely lonesome inside I wanted something, even something FALSE, to make me feel like someone was close to me and cared for me.

in the morning, i could not look them in the face.

i loved one person in germany, truly and deeply, and that one person did not love me. and i was too stupid to do anything right for them. sometimes i think they are more innocent at heart then i am...

i sometimes think i am just too broken. and stitched up . and broken again... that no one can make sense of my heart.

Marlon
I can

Bryn
i miss that, most of all...

i just want to be silent, be held in the arms of someone safe, and say nothing at all

Marlon
obviously lacking the calming warmth of a true embrace

Bryn
i remember that, still... my body and heart screams for it.

Marlon
a true embrace is not simply a feel of comfort in the arms of another

Marlon
a true embrace is ones complete acceptance for who you are, flaws and all, holding you close only as to feel closer to you

CHAPTER 3 A Very Short Introduction...


I am living in Vienna, Austria right now... but I grew up in Los Angeles.

I'ts been a disaster, honestly.

I came here to study, applied to a music school... but they thought I was crazy becauseIi was too friendly. It came off as 'not serious'.
I applied to a university to study anthropology and language, and I didnt have an apostille stamp... so they wouldn't process my documents.
I tried to get jobs, but haven't had two years of college (I left home after highschool to travel europe)and so I gave up and have been doing illegal work ever since.
Lately the work I do is making me feel like I am losing my soul... losing my focus... and all I want to do is make music and feel like I have friends, but I am honestly losing my heart and mind here in the coldness of Vienna.

I was here two months from april to june, and i have been here this time since september 1st.

CHAPITRE QAUTRE

Quand je pense de toi... je me reviens la mer et la plage... le soleil qui brillant toujours, et ton sourit. Ta voix me donne plaisir. Vraiment, je sens que tu etais ma meilleure ami, mais tu est dans France. J'ai d'impulse pour fuir a Paris et habite avec toi. Je ne sais pas qoui est correcte. Je pense quand je suis seul... Mes pensées sont les pensées d'une femme folle.

Tu me donne l'allume pour le vivre de mon coeur. Tu est ma 'soutien de vie'.


Et ma payee... Mein Land... My country... calls to me.
C'est pas l'objets, l'atmosphere, l'argent, l'apartement, ...qui me donne force. Je besoin des amies, des vraiment coeurs, du musique, tous le temps, ... pas d'autre as importance.
Je veudrais le monde aidee.. mes c'est pas une travaille pour une personne. Ou etez ma famille de lumiere?


CHAPTER F?I§VßE

...so Bryn, have you talked to your parents about coming home?
and not just for two weeks, you need to stay here till you can figure out a new path

Bryn
i'm worried about losing the progress I have made with music...

Marlon
which is?

Bryn
...but my teacher, Rusalina -who is part of the reason I came back here, JUST to study with her -is pregnant, and is leaving in a week to go back to Bulgaria and won't return until perhaps September.
Chanda is a great teacher as well, but I thought the two of them were a perfect match for me.
It is important to be able to be here and make dates with the conservatory teachers to sing for them beforehand... but it's like a waiting game right now... the audition isn't until june

Marlon
can't you give that a try out here?
you can't even imagine how much I've wanted to make music with you
how much I wanted to record you while I was taking this studio class this quarter
you have opportunities out here is what I'm saying
but I can understand your loyalty to your teacher

Bryn
shes leaving

Marlon
then what's keeping you there?


CHAPTER FIVE 5 & 1/2

I don't know.